Here are some examples of flats our monthly magazine, The ENIGMA. Move the mouse over the box after each flat to view the solution.
ENIGMATIC REBUS (^3 ^5 ^7)
What a terrible movie! A waste of my time!
Bruce Willis can't act; his performance is leaden.
To charge seven bucks for this schlock is a crime.
For a movie with plot, you'd best skip ARMAGEDDON.
(*1. *4, 4) (NOEL =
'Twas the night before Christmas, and boy was I screwed—
I forgot to buy gifts for my bride and our brood.
I hoped, as they nestled all snug in their beds,
That sweaters and parkers revolved through their heads.
So I called up the hotline and ordered a ton:
"See right there in the catalog, page 21?
Give me three cotton rollnecks, OH WELL—yes, in beige.
And a couple red barn jackets, they're all the rage.
Can you throw in a nice leather coat for my wife?
And we'll get it tomorrow? Well, you've saved my life."
And a voice in my head shouted out, clear and bright,
"It's a good thing that NOEL can ship overnight!"
=Mobot and Cazique
The Gospels and Their Meaning"
Has made my mind go crazy
And strained my neurilemma.
This hermeneutics jive
From my professor's overweening;
It makes my thinking hazy—
And therefore my dilemma:
Matthew, Mark and Luke or John—
Which three of them are FIRST? I'm puzzled.
I can't get it straight and so
My SECOND process is confuzzled.
(*3'1 9 4) (*3
When the Wolfman said "Boo!" his friends weren't scared;
Boris and Bela went right to his joint.
Though his stick wasn't thick, it was happily shared
(Not even a scruple, but nobody cared);
The guys all partook of DO YOU SEE MY POINT.
(5 3 *5'1) (*5
I went to see a title bout,
And took my Burmese to the fight.
(She thinks Evander's quite a stud.)
But that match was the famous night
When Holyfield lost half an ear
While he and Mike were butting heads.
That thug! He's banned, but in my dreams
My CAULIFLOWER ear to shreds.
REPEATED BIGRAM DELETION
At the bar's a B
Who's named Marie.
She's heading to South Bend
Where she'll attend
The health-care workers' con.
The flight she's on
Is leaving rather soon
At half past noon.
Marie's afraid to fly,
So she'll rely
On alcoholic brew
To get her through.
She quickly downs three beers
To quell her fears,
Then slowly weaves her way
Towards A A.
Said the patient to the doctor: "We've got too many kids.
We've got to put a stop to it or I'll be on the skids."
Said the doctor to the patient: "I have just the cure.
Orange juice will do the trick. Of that you can be sure."
Said the patient to the doctor: "We'll get on it right away.
Do we drink before or after? We'll do anything you say."
Said the doctor to the patient: "No, you don't understand.
B replaces A. That's how families are planned."
"Take your slicker, your umbrella, rubbers, and a hat."
I loved my mother dearly and would never tell her no.
Her words are so OWLed in my head, it is no wonder that
I'm waterproofed from head to foot although it isn't LOW.
=Meki and Tyger
(*6, 2 2 2 3 2 2) (A PHRASE
Oh shed a Tear for Branwell BANK, the literary Lad!
He never won the sort of Fame his elder Sisters had.
Some call the Poppy culpable, or hold the Grape to blame
For Branwell's tragic early Death in Misery and Shame.
I say the Villain was a more insidious Addiction:
Not Opium nor Alcohol, but Melancholy Fiction.
The Cords of Melodrama wrapped around his fevered Brain;
They squeezed from it all Sense, and drove him Gothically insane.
He gave his Soul entirely to picturesque Despair
And prowled the local Moor at night, to sob and tear his Hair.
"Oh, in this darksome, windswept World, what does my poor Life matter?"
He struck a Pose, and cried "A PHRASE", and opted for the Latter.
(His sisters died soon afterwards, but they won great repute,
While he's a name for Jeopardy!, or Trivial Pursuit.)
The telephone rings.
I answer it, then hang up.
How I hate HAIKU.
(3, 7, 9, 5)
Another A scandal for President Bill—
Can he B all that the C will report?
Pardon the puns, but the penalty's LOCK
If she can make the thing stand up in court.
(8 4, 11 6, 8 4 6, 10 11, 12 11)
Doc Hotshot here, of Hotshot, Salk, and Livingston (an E).
I had this strange adventure on my journey through the C:
Upon the Amazon, my crude canoe of bark and skin
Got stuck inside a whirlpool, which began to suck me in.
"This is the end," I thought, "I should have spent the weekend golfin'."
And just as I was blacking out, I swear I saw a dolphin
Who took me in his arms, and fought against the mighty B.
He pulled me to the shore and brought me back to life with D.
"But doc, a dolphin hasn't any arms!" I hear you say?
"You're right, of course," I answer back, "he must have used his A!"
(13, 8 5) (8 5 not MW)
The ONE ball is exquisite.
The TWO tastes truly fine.
Dignitaries dot the room,
Blithely sipping wine.
Eliza's in her finest,
And though I've trained her well,
I hope she doesn't burst out with
"Well, don't that beat all hell!"
Or spill the shredded coconut
And orange down her dress.
(My cleaning bills are high enough
Without some sticky mess.)
(should be sung)
I like Hoss
Hop Sing, and his boss,
With the help of Little Joe
And Adam, their show
Was the best show on TV!
And their theme was quite a scream
The one time that they sang it.
But before too long they made that song
An instrumental, dang it!
(I know you must be cringing,
And I'm probably infringing
By stealing this tune,
But I'm just compelled to croon
About how I'm EAT for "^TEE"!)
For each game, McNab dresses up like a duck
And gets the crowd laughing and cheering with glee.
He sleeps with a tartan scarf (just for good luck).
Yes, our SIX is a *FOUR with a FIVE in his THREE.
CURTAILMENT (*4, 5, 4)
(*4 not MW usage)
"There are worse things ONE could do,"
Someone thought, "than play the TWO
Betty Rizzo in our show
Go from Greece to Grease, y'know—
Play the 'bad girl' for a few
Weeks when 'Xena' filming's through."
So on Broadway you can see
Svelte ONE Lawless wear, in THREE
Of bronze armor, spandex pants—
And she can sing, and she can dance!
(A fact I'll bet you never knew.)
And the ticket-office queue
Stretches down to South Peru.
=Tyger and Ucaoimhu
The Waste Land is the cruelest poem, sending
English majors on a never-ending
Quest through reference shelves to figure out
What the bloody thing is all about.
For instance: where's the Starnbergersee, what's "datta",
Who's Tiresias, and what's "damyata"?
There's bits in German, Latin, Sanskrit, Greek—
How many languages could old POST speak?
It's no small feat (and, by the way, that's ANTE)
To understand it. Shantih Shantih Shantih.
(6, *4 *7) (*4 *7 not MW)
Held a function in D.C.
For VIPs to have a chance to SHORT.
Honored at the bash:
Thurgood Marshall, Arthur Ashe—
Two pioneering black men on the court.
Jesse Jackson said a prayer
Over Dennis Rodman's hair,
Colin Powell mostly stayed off to the Right.
Bill Cosby told some jokes,
Clarence Thomas poured the Cokes,
Mike Tyson stopped by briefly for a bite.
In this corner, Larry Holmes!
At the lectern, reading poems
Were Ali, Nipsey Russell, and Ms. TALL.
Tiger Woods of course was there
For a true Black-Thai affair.
(Eddie Murphy slipped out early with RuPaul.)